Late Night Creep

In a case of the best-laid plans gone awry, NBC gave Conan O'Brien a cool $45 to walk away from "The Tonight Show" seven months after taken over for Jay Leno who moved on to tank with his nightly comedy/variety show at 10pm. I bet NBC execs were in heaven at this point last year when the idea of having Leno do a comedy hour and bringing Conan into the fold for "The Tonight Show" started floating around headquarters.

Only one problem, after Jay-Z, Kanye West and Rihanna kicked off "The Jay Leno Show", people stopped watching and although Conan was doing decent with his ratings, he never really caught on. Rather than lose Leno, NBC paid Conan a king's ransom to step off, but not badmouth the station or Leno. Well, too late on the gag order, O'Brien, Leno and even David Letterman all traded one-liners in the weeks leading up to Conan's departure from his dream job.

I say all of that to say I don't give a damn, I've never been a fan on any incarnation of "The Tonight Show", I don't watch Letterman and I didn't watch that Leno crap either! All I know is that the shuffle has Law & Order: Special Victims Unit on at a bad time. I've read a few articles saying this is the perfect time to bring back Arsenio Hall. WTF? Are you serious? "The Arsenio Hall Show" played out because, well, Arsenio Hall played out.

We don't need another 90's retread, 90210 is enough, but we do need some new blood in the mix. Late-night TV needs someone that can feed the mainstream, bring a hip-hop element, but is funny, poignant, relevant and has star power and I don't mean George Lopez or Mo'nique's screaming ass. What late-night TV needs in Chris Rock.

Yes, Chris Rock would be perfect to host a late-night talk show. Think about when he had "The Chris Rock Show" on HBO, it was on-time, the guests were great, the skits were hilarious, the interviews asked the questions you wanted to know. Why? Chris Rock was able to read the pulse of the people and has continued to do it through his stand-up specials and even with his movies. So, while FOX is deciding whether or not to bring Conan over in the next few months, someone should ante up and bring Chris Rock to save late-night talk TV.

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New Usher - Hey Daddy

Is this the Usher we were waiting for?

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Let It Shine Through

A conversation about the 80's could never be complete without a discussion on fashion and style. Big hair, pastel colors, acid-washed jeans, gaudy gold chains and earrings and biking shorts were a few of the trends that set the tone for the decade. However, one style left an indelible mark (literally and figuratively) on the decade, the Jheri curl.

Hair product guru Jheri Redding concocted a combination that provided a loose, silky look to the heads of millions of African-Americans and Latinos. For a period of time, it seemed as if every woman and many men were wearing Jheri Curls. The glossy look, maintained by constant application of activator, made for messy and expensive upkeep. A bottle of activator costs somewhere between $3- $6, but were small and the amount needed usually called for several bottles to be used per week.

Furthermore, to protect the style, a plastic cap was to be worn while sleeping or just chilling. The “Jheri Curl Cap” in itself became iconic for everything it came to stand for, a stereotypic symbol for those who wore them publicly even without the curls beneath it. However without it, many a sofa, pillow, shirt and other material would’ve seen its end. The activator‘s sheen would transfer and stain nearly every surface and that it came in contact with.
Because of the constant maintenance needed for the Jheri Curl, many who wore it saw a decline in their hair quality. The mix of chemicals caused severe breakage, dried out the scalp and in some cases the damage was irreversible and caused people to lose hair that would never return.

The Jheri Curl wasn’t restricted to the women in my family or urban communities across the country, Michael Jackson, DeBarge, Ice Cube, Ready for the World and A.C. Green (who rocked his into the 90’s) were all dedicated wearers of the style. Michael Jackson’s hairstyle found infamy while filming a Pepsi commercial and a malfunction of pyrotechnics caused his hair to catch fire and left him with second degree burns.

Viciously mocked and satirized in films such as Coming to America and Hollywood Shuffle and television shows like “In Living Color”, the Jheri Curl finally died out and gave way to the high top fade in the late 80’s, but in various regions across the United States, it took a bit longer to fade away (no pun intended).

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I'm Disappointed in America: Steven Seagal Lawman

So all of this time Steven Seagal was real police? Man please! I caught a segment of his reality series "Steven seagal Lawman" last night and it was just as poorly scripted and acted as one of his movies. Why is this on my television? I'm disappointed in America!

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No My Brother, You've Got To Buy Your Own!

If you watched BET at all during the 80's, one thing was certain, you saw the "Hey Love" commercial. Now, you may not even recognize the album title, but one thing will set it off in your mind, "No my Brother, you've got to buy your own!". That phrase wasn't uttered until the end of the commercial, but it became classic in our community.

As far as the album, it was filled with classic slow jams from the 70's like "Betcha By Golly Wow", "Love on a Two-Way Street", "Have You Seen Her", and "Yes, I'm Ready". It was a three album set that sold for $19.98, I don't know anyone who actually purchased the set, but everyone knew the commercial.

It mocked in the movie House Party, it played day and night on BET and resonates in the minds of millions of watched it over and over and over and over again. The commercial starred John Canada Terrell, who starred in She's Gotta Have It and The Five Heartbeats, as a host of what seemed to be a very dry get together with two other men and three women.

The commercial opens with the six people separated by gender on two separate couches twiddling their thumbs, staring into space or twirling their hair. However, once Terrell says "Hey yall, I got a great new album in the mail today", they are jamming on the one! As the song titles scroll by and clips of selected songs play, the six become three couples and start to slow drag (didn't think I knew about that huh?).

Finally, as the spot nears the end, one of the guys comments on how great the album is and asks to borrow it, at that point John Canada Terrell looks at him with a "nigga please" look and utters the classic line, "No my Brother, you've got to buy you own!" and the rest is Black television history!
 

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Addition by Subraction

In literary terms, the appendix is an addendum, an addition to a document. In reference to my anatomy, it is part of me that caused so much pain that I was rushed to the ER at 5:30am Friday morning and operated on around six hours later. I've been told that over the years the function of the appendix in humans has virtually become nonexistent. However, for something seemingly useless, I'm popping vicodin every four hours to deal with the consequential pain of having it removed.

Seriously, I want to thank all of the well-wishers, those who dropped by the hospital, those who called, texted, tried to feed me soup,sent well-wishes through others and those who prayed for me. Especially the two people that responded at that obscene time of the morning when I said it was time to go to the ER, Bilquis and Chuck, guess I should've listened to you and went to the doctor Wednesday.

Turns out, I'm going to be home for the next few weeks, eating jello with my toes up, looking for craziness in the world. Craziness like, Gary Coleman being jailed for failure to appear in court. Details of the warrant weren't released, but doesn't Gary look like he's saying, "What'chu talking 'bout Willis?"

All My Children watchers are a bit down as Palmer Cortlandt, excuse me James Mitchell, passed away over the weekend. Mitchell played the powerful, manipulative Palmer Cortlandt or Pete Cooney (depending on if you knew him back in the day) for the past 30 years. I think I may watch a couple of episodes to see how they treat his death.

Well, nothing much going on with me, gonna try to grow an afro and a beard during my time off...

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Your Mama and my Mama Want Some Grandbabies

Uhhh no! This is a conversation that I really don’t like to have, but I understand that at my age (31), the women I interact with are really at the point when they are ready to stop pressing snooze on their biological clocks and have some babies. That’s all well and good if you’re married; you and husband are secure and ready to get to work. However, it’s a big problem if we’re having this conversation before you even learn how to pronounce my name. For the record, it’s Al-Lateef (L-La-Teef). Now that we’ve gotten that straightened out, I’m not interested in having kids…at least not today. Understand that my desire to have children is attached to the same yearning I have for a woman to spend the rest of my life with, no big deal, but if it happens, that’s gravy.


The most common argument when the topic comes up is that I’m getting old. Didn’t Lou Rawls father a child at like 68? My boys will swim like Michael Phelps, barring illness, as long as my heart pumps. On the other hand, I know you feel like you have an expiration date on your forehead, but slow down baby. Life isn’t going anywhere, take your time and get to know a brother before you lay down with him. You really gotta be careful; too many women are getting out of bed with baby in arms…alone. It is really my hope to be a father and a parent, not some bitter chick’s baby father or even worse, That Nigga!

Maybe that’s the last ounce of tradition left in my soul, but having a child is a step that I would have to take a long, hard look at myself before taking. I see the results of bad decisions (not the babies) all too often and it’s just not something I choose to take lightly. I am the product of a single-mother, so I know the struggle you moms go through, I’m just not willing to be part of the equation.

The newest argument is, “I know your mother wants to be a grandmother.” Stop right there, my mom hasn’t even touched 50 yet, I don’t think she’s ready to be a grandmother yet. Aside from that, she’s very supportive and whatever I decide to do with my life, she’s gonna support and will never pressure me to do anything that I feel I’m not ready for. Give me some time, 40 isn’t that far away ;)

Sorry, you can cross me off your list, but I don’t think Gary Coleman has babies yet…

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The Morning Sun Will Greet You

R.I.P. Teddy Pendergrass
         1950-2010

Although the horrible accident that stole the movement of his limbs didn’t take his golden voice that was the day we really lost Teddy, because his commanding stage presence coupled with that voice is what drove the women crazy. However, that decade of music made prior to that tragic accident has stood the test of time and endeared Teddy Pendergrass in the lives of millions forever. I’m saying, how many of us are out there looking for a 50/50 love? I’ve tried to write this three times over the past week, but just couldn’t get through it for some reason, but after putting “Can't We Try?” on repeat, it all flowed just as effortlessly as Teddy singing Gamble and Huff’s finest.

Understand that I’ve had a relationship with Teddy Pendergrass all of my life. Let me rephrase that, I’ve had a relationship with Teddy Pendergrass’ music for all of my life. I can’t pinpoint the first time I heard his gruff voice, but I do know that I’ve been captivated by it up until the very second I started typing this morning. Take a second and go through the archives to check how many Teddy Pendergrass references have been titles to previous posts. My relationship with Teddy P’s music has gone through various stages of maturation. As a child, just appreciating the good music my family played, to my young adult years of putting “Turn Off the Lights”, “Close the Door”, and “Come Go With Me” on those slow jam GTD mixtapes we all used to make, to using a ‘Greatest Hits’ CD as a place of refuge in adulthood.

There have been plenty of evenings after a stressful day or event that I’ve put on “The Whole’s Town Laughing at Me” and buried my sorrows in his wailing. Ironically, the last time being the night he passed, only to wake up to find out the bad news. There were much bigger issues in the world that day, but his passing affected me in a way that I wouldn’t have anticipated. Maybe it was the voice; maybe it was the songs; no, had to be the lyrics. It seems that the songs he sang were personally taken from my life, no matter the situation, they were always relatable. A few weeks ago I remember having an especially lonely evening and listening to, “And If I Had”, and identifying with the song, line by line. I get frustrated with the world and there’s “Wake Up Everybody” from his days with Harold Melvin and The Blue Notes to say what’s on my mind or when I hit a rough patch in a relationship, “If You Don’t Know Me By Now”. How many times have I sung the opening lines from “Love T.K.O.” in the shower after another failed relationship? And of course, those timeless slow jams we’ve all turned on when we wanna be grown.

I can’t speak the “Ladies Only” concerts or the women throwing their panties on stage at him, I was mesmerized by his voice and the lyrics he sang, oblivious to his sex symbol status. However, I know what an icon is and I know timeless music when it grabs hold to me. Remember the movie “Sugar Hill” and Michael Wright’s character "Raynathan" singing “Love T.K.O.” before killing a man? That scene wouldn’t have been even remotely memorable if he sang some random popular song of the day, but it was something the audience could identify with from years prior and even now would sing along if watching.

Of course our Hump Day Song of the Week is from Teddy Pendergrass’ catalog, "Can't We Try":

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Stranger Than Fiction

I know, I promised to be more consistent, but I took a few days to catch up on some much needed rest. I got it in over the MLK Holiday Weekend, some of the best sleep I had in years. But with rest comes penalty. I take my eyes off of the world for a few days and what happens? “Pants on the Ground” becomes a national phenomenon, proving my theory that given the right vehicle, anyone can become a star. Even Brett Favre was singing in the locker room after the Vikings embarrassed the Cowboys Sunday. I even caught that Old Negro Spiritual on ‘The View’ doing the song and his silly choreography. Wonder why the light-skinned guy with no Negro dialect is called the light-skinned with no Negro dialect? YouTube that silliness and you’ll find that answer, I refuse to post that horrendous nonsense.
In yet another mea culpa for his public image, Tiger Woods has reportedly checked into sex rehab in Mississippi, I really can’t make these things up. Wait, Mississippi? Who goes to Mississippi for help on anything besides doctoral work on the Ku Klux Klan? I understand trying to save your image marriage, but sex rehab Tiger? We’re supposed to believe that you have an addiction aside from being a powerful man with resources nearly as unlimited as your insatiable appetite for white women? If Tiger really wanted to do this correctly, he would’ve checked into the Pasadena Recovery Center and been a patient on the next season of ‘Celebrity Rehab’ with Dr. Drew. Now, I would’ve gone out and gotten a DVR box to watch that!

The most racist show ever is back, ‘24’ had a two-night premiere and Jack Bauer is back reinforcing the belief that the Middle East is the axis of evil…alone! Well, I guess they’re grouping the Russians in this time around. Either way, I was prepared for a great episode of ‘House’ only to see that the following program happened between 6:00pm and 7:00pm.

The crisis in Haiti is taking a turn towards chaos as aid is slow in distribution to those in need. Not only that, a strong aftershock registering 6.1 hit this morning. Click on the news and you’ll see Haitians fighting over water and other supplies, while bypassing store full of goods, because of evil spirits. Uhhh, not sure how much worse is can get, I’ll take the curse that comes along with grabbing that rice while the bureaucracy gets their thing together. Keep in mind, it took five days to get water to New Orleans and you guys weren’t that high on the depth chart to begin with…

Another chance for you to help arrives this Friday evening all over your television menu as Wyclef Jean and George Clooney team up with the rich folks who give an F to solicit your funds support. Speaking of Wyclef…never mind, continue to support his Yele Foundation, the Red Cross still has millions to account for from Hurricane Katrina.

I had a dream last night that Bill Clinton will become imperial ruler of Haiti, stranger things have happened…

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...Thoughts on the Disaster in Haiti

I woke up this morning trying to reconcile my feelings or lack thereof about the earthquake in Haiti. It’s really hard for me to put into words just what I feel. I recognize the tragedy of the disaster, I’m cognizant of the state of the island pre-earthquake, and I just can’t form the emotions to be overwhelmed with grief and moved to action. I’ve been battling with myself for the last few hours over whether that makes me a bad person?

I recall how I felt when recent natural disasters have struck other countries. For instance, the tsunami in 2004 that struck Thailand and other Asian countries had no impact on me. Yet, I cried like a baby watching the destruction caused by Hurricane Katrina and even donated my last $200 to the relief fund. I suppose that since the people directly impacted by this tragedy look like me, I should be able to search my heart for the compassion needed to empathize with Haiti and Haitians around the world.

The outpouring of support I’ve witnessed though is encouraging and proves that people still give a damn about something more than American Idol. Wyclef Jean immediately sprang into action to aid his native country, the Red Cross was on the job, Barack Obama pledged support from the United States, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie gave $1million to Doctors Without Borders and millions of people on Facebook and beyond are praying for the victims and their families. The least I can do is care right?

I’m sorry, I can be a little thick at times and it takes certain issues time to penetrate me into feeling or action, but by no means am I casually casting this disaster aside just another act of God. By now we all know how and where to lend support, please do so if so moved, Haiti needs you. My heart goes out to my friends, co-workers, students, colleagues and everyone of Haitian descent around the world.

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The Big Philanderer

What do Delonte West, J.J. Reddick and Shaquille O’Neal have in common? Besides obviously being NBA players, they all seem to have a common jump-off, “model” Vanessa Lopez. As if Shaunie O’Neal needing additional ammunition in the upcoming divorce proceedings, Lopez has filed a suit alleging that Shaq has been harassing her since she broke it off with him in September phone calls and threatening to have someone put some work in for threatening to expose their affair to his wife.

It seems like the only thing Shaq does worse than shoot free throws is cheat on his wife! He was outed in Karrine Steffans’ first book, Kobe gave up the tapes to the police and just a few months ago gossip sites went wild with the rumors of an affair with Gilbert Arenas’ fiancée Laura Govan (still wonder why Gilbert had an arsenal in his locker?). In Lopez’ statement, she claims that Shaq told her when they first hooked up in 2004, that he was in an open marriage and he stayed married for his image and his children. I wonder if Shaunie got that memo.

Not to make light of Shaq’s infidelity, but how far have you fallen off when you share a bust-it baby with Delonte West and J.J. Reddick? Much like basketball, Shaq should’ve given creepin’ up a few years back, he’s obviously just as lazy with his indiscretions as he is in the offseason, yet still demands elite player attention. Ms. Lopez says she told Shaq to kick rocks after telling him that she may be pregnant and the Diesel responded, “Well, you better tell the baby’s father…” Classic!

I really don’t understand how someone the caliber or a Shaq or Tiger Woods gets married in the first place? If I made $5 more, I’d swear off nuptials for ever, imagine if I had a few hundred million in the vault? The lifestyle appears to provide unlimited temptation and the risk outweighs the reward, pre-nup or not!

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A Good Man is Hard to Find*

*If you’re a trifling chick

I have a good deal of friends that I will constitute as good dudes. Guys that work hard, go about things the right way, handle their business, and move through life as such. They don’t have glamorous careers, don’t drive expensive cars and don’t make it rain in the strip club (only on birthdays). But, by all accounts, I would say they are good men.

Now, plant yourself anywhere 1.5 women congregate and at some point in the conversation, you will hear how there aren’t any good men to be found. Ladies, allow me to let you in on a secret, if you’re a good woman with her stuff together, a good man with his stuff together will find you. It’s up to you to be receptive and step out of Ft. Knox and allow this man to get to know you.

I’ll be the first to admit that there are some brothers out there living foul from time-to-time (present company not excluded), but to throw the few in with the many, would be the same as me calling all women some names that my mama will take issue with. Each situation is a new experience and should be treated as such, leave that baggage and give a man half the chance. If you and I had dealings in 1998 and it ended badly, tough, move on, I have. Blame that on me, immaturity, the boogie or you can blame it on the alcohol. However, the next six guys you meet aren’t me and they had nothing to do with what went wrong between us, so stop treating them as if they are on the speed clock to confirming your lack of faith in men.

Far too many women are running around with undiagnosed cases of BBS and it’s spreading like wildfire. For those of you that don’t know what BBS is, it stands for Bitter Bitch Syndrome. You walk around giving the world your ass to kiss and expect men to jump through hoops just for the right for you to tell him that he’s not good enough for you. Here you are pushing a man away that's willing to help rebuild, revive and renew your faith in love. Then you wonder why your ass is alone on the couch eating ice cream watching Reality TV marathons!

Don’t get me wrong, it is great to raise your standards, but you’re gonna need to match your expectations. No man in his right man is gonna settle in with someone not on his level…unless you’re Tiger Woods. So while you’re shooting for the moon, I hope you’re playing amongst the stars your damn self and not stuck on stupid back on Earth.

I hear those clocks ticking, but some of you need to stop traveling with a collapsible broom in your purse. I always thought it was about attraction, compatibility, depth seeking, growth, development and then deciding if you wanted to take the long walk with one another? Preconceived ideas sabotage the relationship at hello, so allow a man the time to get to know you without the scowl on your face and chip on your shoulder, you may be surprised. I know some of you have been hurt deeply, but please believe Smokey Robinson, Babyface and Ne-Yo aren’t the only fellas with feelings and emotions. We all have baggage, been through breakups with war stories, but we live to fight another battle.

My point is simple, there are millions of men out here willing to love, adore and provide for you just the way you’ve always wanted. Yes, you may have to sift through some undesirables for him, but he’s there. If you put as much time into getting yourself in order and then allowing yourself to get to know a man as you did picking out those shoes you have on today, you may have woke up with a smile on your face this morning…

so, for the Hump Day Song of the Week, Keyshia Cole and Anthony Hamilton "Losing You":

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Let's Talk About Pep

So, hilarity ensued?

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

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Sade - Soldier of Love

I'm actually digging this song, which is a first for me when it comes to Sade...

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In Search of...Lil' Jon

Has anyone seen Lil' Jon lately? Is it me or did his career end with 'Chappelle's Show'?

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Party & Bullsh!t

I was half sleep watching a game the other night when a Ciroc vodka commercial featuring part owner Diddy came on and I heard him say something that sounded like, “I believe in the culture of celebration…” I pretty much faded back to sleep after that, but that line has stuck in my head for the past few days.

I’ve been wondering, what exactly is this ‘culture of celebration’? I know it has something to do with enjoying life and all of the accoutrements you’ve earned. That’s all well and good when the celebration is of excellence. Yet, I do have a teeny weeny problem with rappers singing about having ‘money to blow’ in these tough economic times, but they’ve made it, now flaunt it…it’s the American way!

My concern is with the trickle down effect of the ‘culture of celebration’. Because you know how we do; we love to party, do it B.I.G., with no good reason at all. So, at any given time, a celebration could break out and it doesn’t always have to be in recognition of excellence. All too often the celebration is of mediocrity, ignorance, and in the face of repeated failures. Seriously, how we can we really participate in a culture of celebration when test scores prove that your children can’t read, your neighbor is in the process of losing their house and your husband just left you?

I see people stepping out to celebrate failed relationships like that’s what’s up, students that haven’t passed a class all year, hitting the club as soon as Thursday rolls around. I’m really at a loss at how short-sighted some people are and just how low their expectations are. It really bothers me to see how many folks cling to a false reality (Reality TV too), as if it’s going to help them sleep through the night or pay the bills. Maybe reality is so miserable that celebrating like it’s all good is the only thing that alleviates the ill street blues…

It’s that lack of foresight that is handed New Jersey over to Chris Christie. I refuse to be sheep or act like I live in a Hoover, where everything is good as long as it’s good in the World according to Teef. I sit on my couch and observe as the World passes by, but the World doesn’t pass me by. I pick and choose the times at which I want to participate in the goings on around me; I don’t try to dance on every set. I take the time on the couch to relax, reflect, entertain or enlighten myself, work or work on certain aspects of my life in my pursuit of excellence. But I’m sorry if all you want to do is bitch and moan until the weekend then party and bullshit..and party and bullshit!

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New Jaheim - Ain't Leavin Without You

I caught a two-step in the office, what do you think?

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Just Another Case of That Old P.T.A.

I was invited to attend a parent meeting of the senior class at an unnamed high school the other night and although I was off that day, I decided I would attend anyway. When I arrived at the school, I saw that there were three cars in the lot and thought to myself not bad, I was 15 minutes early and figured a few parents came straight at the work. When I entered the building I found that those cars belonged to the principal, a disciplinarian and the senior class advisor.

Still, I was early, so it wasn't a big deal. Well, not until I found out that the school's custodial staff didn't even know about the meeting. This seemed to foreshadow how the rest of the night will go. 6:00pm, no parents. 6:05, no parents. 6:15, no parents. 6:20, one parent, 6:25, one more. I stayed for nearly an hour and only two parents actually showed up.

It's that type of lack of involvement that makes our school systems what they are. True, from downtown to the classroom has to improve their practices, but parents have to be actively involved as well. How do you just blow off a meeting that's outlining (hopefully) the last six months of your child's high school career? Based on the social aspect alone, information on the yearbook, prom, graduation, etc... is important. Let alone the all of the pertinent academic information, college visits, FAFSA workshops, HSPA tests, your child has missed 32 days of school already and those little details.

I remember sitting in class at times with this eerie feeling that I was being watched. I would look at the door and my mom was standing there. I wasn’t in trouble, it wasn’t parent/teacher conferences, it was Tuesday and she just wanted to check up on me. It was that type of involvement that let me know that she took my education seriously, so I better not take it for granted.

It was deflating to see that lack of turnout the other night, especially when June twenty something rolls around and little Raekwon or Shaneka isn’t graduating and the finger pointing begins. Just think, you could show up to a few more parent meetings now or stand behind your son in court later asking where did it go wrong? I guess I could’ve done a “Happy Hour” sweep and rounded up a few parents…

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A Bucket of Fried Chicken and a Couple of Grape Sodas!

Chicken soothes the savage beast? That is definitely the inference in an Australian Kentucky Fried Chicken commercial. Just watch, shake your head and then pledge undying loyalty to Popeye’s!



What do you think, racist or just poor taste?

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I Got a Love Jones

One of the most popular topics over the last few months has been the high number of single, unmarried women generally, Black women specifically, and the causes of these alarming rates. There have been all kinds of reports floating around the internets, ABCNews reports and Steve Harvey (really?) even wrote a book claiming that it contained what men really think about love, intimacy, commitment, etc…

In the midst of all this, it seems like everything was focused on what a girl wants, what a girl needs, but the brothers have been a bit overlooked or seen as the root of this evil. Apparently, people have forgotten that it takes two to make a thing go right. While it is logistically impossible for all women to marry, it seems statistically inevitable that men would be the blame for the lack of nuptials.

That's not acceptable to me, so I've set out on a little crusade to understand more about love, more about relationships, more about marriage, from the inside out. I've poured through countless articles, watched numerous clips and heard several testimonials, but it all meant nothing to me, just raw empirical data. Then a light bulb went off in my head, well, more like fireworks; I created my own surveys to get the answers I felt I needed to find out why some women are better suited than others for marriage and to create a profile for what I felt was the ideal woman for marriage.

So, once my "Creating the Perfect Woman" surveys were complete, they were distributed and the responses have been pouring in. I must admit, I didn't accept the type of response that I've gotten to the first survey, but I wasn't surprised that the second one has been a little slow to catch on. You see, the first survey was 20 questions, extremely superficial, the second called for a little more thought, a little more vulnerability. I suppose even under the cloak of anonymity, women can still be a bit jaded and refuse to let their guards down.

I'm going to leave the surveys open for exactly one more week (January 15^th), in an attempt to gain a broader cross-section of answers, I'm going to share the links in this post. So ladies (fellas yall sit this one out), if you can please take a few minutes and complete both surveys, it will be greatly appreciated.

Survey #1

Survey #2

While going through the results, it's obvious that a few women didn't take the questions seriously, which is disappointing because I am sincere in my interest and have no ulterior motive for gaining the information (as one respondent accusingly answered a question). The most recurring question is what am I going to do with all of this information and the answer is simple…just wait, watch and experience, what comes next is something you wouldn't have ever imagined.

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Untitled

Negros everywhere are up in arms that the term "Negro" is still included on the census questionnaire as an option for race. I suppose that with a "Black" president, everything needs to be politically correct. Before we get Al Sharpton on Larry King talking about how the African-American community is being dissed again, let's think about this for a second. There's an entire generation of folks that were proud to be called Negro after being called nigger, colored, boy, girl, darkie, coon and everything else but a child of God. There are people who fought to make the term acceptable and standard. So I can understand the inclusion.

Jesse Jackson and his cronies lobbied to be called "Afro-Americans" (Nigga I'm bald!) and that evolved into African-American. However, the truth of the matter is, I'm no Alex Haley. I know nothing about my African heritage and as far as I'm concerned, I'm a Black American from New Jersey. My co-worker from Liberia has become an African-American and his children will be African-American. We all know of my fondness of the N-word, but I choose to identify myself as a Black man, just as there are a million folks that still call themselves a Negro. I know someone's shaking their head thinking that we're setting the race back decades (your mother!), but it really isn't that serious. Especially when no one is telling the NAACP to change that "C", it still stands for "Colored".

Speaking of those Negros over at the NAACP…I thought I was through when they gave R. Kelly an Image Award two years after he made water on somebody's daughter. But they have sunk to a new low by nominating "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" for Best Reality Series. First, why the hell is that a category in the first place? Next, I just can't fathom nominating one of the worst displays of our people for anything that's supposed to promote outstanding achievement and excellence. I know many of you are fans of these trifling heifers, but seriously, Nigga please!

I guess my nomination got lost in the mail…again!

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Blew More Money Than Latrell...Oh Well!

If I take a gun to work, I'm leaving in handcuffs. If I take three guns to work, they're gonna swear I was about to go on a rampage! Well, Gilbert Arenas thought it was a good idea to store unloaded guns in his locker at the Verizon Center after his fiancé gave birth to his child. Then, he thought it was funny to play a joke on a teammate by pulling the guns out (sounds suspect). Next, he kinda makes light of the situation in interviews and tweets. Finally, following pre-game warm-ups Tuesday night, his teammates encircled him and he pointed his fingers like guns and shot them. Nigga are you getting high?!?

Bad decision after bad decision caused Gilbert to be suspended indefinitely by the NBA. NBA Commissioner David Stern deemed Arenas "not fit to play in the NBA" and I must agree with him. Agent Zero has gone from quirky to crazy in the last few days. I don't know, maybe he thought nothing was really going to happen, it will all blow over, but he really didn't seem to grasp the gravity of the situation.

Ok, I'll put it in perspective in the most simplest of terms: he's going to lose $147,200 per game and if the suspension stretches through the entire season, he'll lose $9,429,505.41. Got it now? There's thought that the Wizards may look to void his contract that pays him $16 per year, but that may be a reach.
This situation is undoubtedly going to reopen the conversation about the lawlessness of athletes, but that's not what I'm here to do. I just want to hand out the "dumb ass nigga" award to Gilbert Arenas. I understand that you're a multi-millionaire and you feel like a target. I understand that even though you "work" minutes away from the White House, you're also minutes away from some of the coldest niggas ever to put on a pair of thermals and a ski mask! I can even understand having a gun in the car, but taking a few of them into the locker room, bad move! Even worse is taking to Twitter while you're under investigation by not only the D.C. police, but the FEDS!

Poor Javaris Crittenton is nursing an injured ankle and has been on SportsCenter more than he ever has in his non-descript career, but he may be facing charges too, because Zero snitched! Somewhere within all of the stories that have come out from these "anonymous" sources is something called the truth, whatever it is, I hope it doesn't add more tents to this circus.

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Blame it on the Goose!

Nick Cannon, is that your chick?!? Mariah Carey won Breakthrough Performance of the Year at the Palm Springs International Film Festival for her 10 minutes of screen time in "Precious" and I'm guessing that she didn't think she had a shot in hell at winning. That will be the only reason she would've gotten tipsy at the show. What follows is one of the best examples of beautful ignorance you'll ever see...

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That's Good For My Ego

I fancy myself a social documentarian, meaning that I feel it’s a responsibility of mine to observe our culture, interpret, and share those observations through amusing anecdotes woven with beautiful ignorance and delivered to you as only I can. There’s a phenomenon spreading like H1N1 that threatens to destroy society as we know it from the inside out, so I feel it’s my duty to share with you about this plague that is running rampant and may claim you as a victim.

I’m talking about megalomania (definition), believing that you are far more important than you actually are. I’ve never claimed to be the most modest of fellows, but I truly understand my value in the lives of those I connect with, but never overstate that value. There are people running around that take themselves far too serious and subsequently put off a miserable disposition, that becomes blog fodder for me and others.

We’ve made it to 2010, it’s really time we define what makes a “hater”? I always interpreted the term to mean those that didn’t have the ability, talent, resources or wherewithal to achieve what others have, so they consistently tried to chip away at these folks in an effort to build themselves up. Some folks have really gotten the game twisted! “Rapper” Kid Cudi was infected recently when he took to a stage and ranted about all of these “haters” that are trying to destroy him. Maybe it’s some behind-the-scenes stuff, but I don’t recall hearing any dis records about Cudi on Hot97 or seeing any YouTube videos about him. Cudi, are you smoking sherm? Who are these haters?

Kid Cudi Speech [Live at House Of Blues, SC] from AychKay on Vimeo.

People throw the term around so loosely that it’s almost impossible to identify real hater these days. Facebook statuses are the #1 M.O. for megalomaniacs. Just take a little time today and read the status of the 35-year-old that drives the $75,000 car, but lies to women about why he lives with his mom, how long is it gonna take for that condo to be ready? Or the 30-ish female with two kids that has the mental makeup of a teenager that constantly complains about her no-good baby fathers that happen to be locked up right now. Girl, you laid down with both of them! Or, the 19-year-old that failed out of college, with a boyfriend that had a baby by another girl and you’re still with him. People aren’t calling you stupid because they hate, folks are trying to give you a reality check!

We are all pieces to a puzzle in this thing called life, some larger, some smaller, each more complex, but none more important than the next. Let’s be clear, my introduction was pure hyperbole, I never walk the streets thinking it’s all about me, even though deep in my heart, it really can be…

The Hump Day Song of the Week "Ego (remix)" Beyonce ft. Kanye West

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A Thousand Words or Less...

Even Tiger Woods has taken the obligatory “I’m Black, be scared of me pictures”. This photo shoot was clearly taken before his recent marital troubles. I seriously doubt Tiger wants to retake a driver’s license photo at this point, much less be shirtless on the cover of Vanity Fair. But, who would’ve thunk it? Tiger Woods is bringing sexy back!

I’m pretty sure the tone of the article has changed since the shoot and they have the right to run whatever type of piece they want, but is this photo in good taste in light of his recent troubles? Tiger was once the wholesome, competitive, great golfer and family man, but now he seems like a skirt chasing man-whore and seeing him half butt-naked on a magazine has a totally different connotation. I'm just saying...

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Beautiful Ignorance

What do you have when a former NBA player, currently awaiting retrial fore reckless manslaughter in a case where you accidently shot your limo driver? You get drunk, slam your SUV into a tree and then jump into the passenger side and tell the police someone else was driving! Jayson Williams' life has completely spiraled out of control, but that's not what I'm talking about today. I'm talking about his attempt to deceive the police into thinking that someone else was driving the car to avoid a DUI.

I know it's sad, but you just have to laugh at the beauty of that ignorance. That's what "beautiful ignorance" is, something so far gone, so left, so sad, that you laugh. It almost seems as if you need to laugh to keep from crying. Think about it, have you ever been around a little girl, say 3-years-old and she says words like "afore" instead of "before", can't recite the alphabet, but could sing Lil' Wayne's "Lollipop" ? It's trifling I know, but life indeed. A few of you don't know how to feel right now because I'm talking about your daughter or niece. Beautiful ignorance.

Has anyone ever seen R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" series? We're gonna disregard the fact that there's seemingly 147 chapters to this saga, but the fact that he put so much energy and creativity into the horrendous nonsense, is astounding. I actually spent 90 minutes watching about a week or so ago and couldn't turn the channel. I was transfixed to the screen, even though I knew that every chapter was getting worse and worse. That's what beautiful ignorance does, it grabs a hold of you and pokes at your curiosity, makes you wonder, "What the hell?" I think I just figured out Reality TV…

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Between Rhetoric & Reality is The World According to Teef

I’ve got some bad news and I’ve got some good news. The bad news is, the daily e-mails are coming to an end (again). The good news is there’s still a way for you to get your daily dose of Teef. I’d like to officially introduce you to The World According to Teef (http://worldaccording2teef.blogspot.com). This is the place where I’ve stored the morning e-mails and additional material for the last five years.

The New Year was the perfect opportunity for me to take my ball and run to the internet. By going strictly web based, I’ve given myself the room to spread my wings and experiment with my creativity, which in turn will provide more consistency. There’s still going to be my unique take on what’s going on in the World and running through my mind, but mixed in you’ll find things such as album and concert reviews, show recommendations, guest bloggers, polls, videos, photos of crazy things I see, and anything else I can think of over a tall glass of vodka.

The cool thing is you can still get it all delivered directly to your inbox. There are various ways for you to subscribe to my randomness, via e-mail, a RSS feed or you can elect to follow the blog…the choice is yours. So, please continue this journey with me from a barstool near you through Times Square to the Vegas Strip, to any Martin Luther, or a beach in the Caribbean to your desk or my couch. I promise you’ll receive social commentary rooted in independent thought that’s going to be unfiltered, uncensored and uncompromising, but never unreal!

Subscribe to The World According to Teef by Email

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You Should’ve Been a Cop, F@#$ Hip-Hop

It's one thing for my students to want to be rappers, they're young, and they're supposed to have those dreams. Despite the fact that a few of them can barely read, I'll support them as long as it doesn't interfere with their academics. On the other hand, 35-year-old men still chasing a rap career is troubling. Dude, you made it through the 90's without getting a deal, it's 2010, give it up!

Hip hop is a young man's game, Jay-Z's been able to sustain because he's simply the best at what he does, so his fans remain and he attracts new fans as they are introduced to hip hop. Who do you plan to attract, 17-year-olds who worship Gucci Mane and Lil' Wayne? If that's the case, you are truly sad, because your maturity level should far exceed where the teenyboppers are at this stage in their lives. I'm just saying, dude you have kids, a woman and hopefully a job, that should be more than enough to occupy your time. Yet, you're spending countless time in the studio (some Nigga's basement) living out your B-boy dreams, making mixtapes about popping glocks, chopping rocks and pushing drops! You ain't doing any of that!

When folks weren't feeling your rhymes in high school or those first few years after, did it ever occur to you to put the pen down and learn a trade? No, you kept reinventing yourself until you found the perfect alter ego to launch your career. Fifteen years later, you're still M.C. Such & Such, the coolest Nigga in the club, on the verge of getting signed!

Fast forward 25 years when your son is on the other side of 30 and has begun a family of his own. Do you want him focusing his energy on making sure his babies are learning how to read or trying to be the next MC so & so? I'm not trying to be a dream killer; I'm introducing a dose of reality, when was the last time you saw a 30+ rapper bust onto the scene and on the charts and rock on 106^th & Park? Don't be mad, UPS is hiring!

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On To The Next...Year

Looks like a good way to start the year...

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