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Our Summer Time Don't Got No Time No More...

June 23, 2016

 

I woke up this morning and realized I've sent you guys out into Summer unattended; we’re a few days in and you haven’t received the Summer Rules. God only knows what’s been violated over the past few days, but I found my words again and had to use them to set you out for Summer ’16.

  • The Golden Rule: Moisturize your situation. I know the humidity mixed with lotion makes you sweat, but you have to check your hot spots two or three times before you leave the crib. Keep a tube of Nivea, Shea Butter or whatever your sexy is in your glove compartment, bag or on your desk, because we don’t want any of y’all caught on the Gram looking like my grandfather after a hard day of work.

  • Speaking of sweating; know your body chemistry. I spent the spring smelling teenagers and I’d rather not face the aroma of adults all summer. Make sure your deodorant is hitting all the entire underarm. If you’re a heavy sweater, pack a washrag and an extra stick with you. Trust me.

  • We have to come to an agreement on jean shorts. One summer they’re out. The next they’re in. Then out again. In again, but they have to have rips and holes in them. Let me know when the votes have been tallied on jorts.

  • Your cousins insist on throwing white parties twice a weekend, so let’s make sure the whites match up. Take a friend, find the best lighting in the store, so you’re not in the pictures rocking ivory and pearl.

  • Stop breaking the Million Dollar Rule! You ain’t Puffy, take those shades off at night. Indoors. Paparazzi ain’t following you!

  • Check on your elders. You know your nana is stubborn and ain’t trying to run her light bill up, so make sure she’s doing okay when the heatwaves begin.

  • Speaking of elders. If you’re being referred to as “Unc”, “Big Unc”, “Big Cuz”, “Auntie” or “Ms. Pam”, it’s time to recognize that you’ve crossed into middle age. It’s okay. It won’t hurt if you don’t fight it. Just know that if you sprain your ankle trying to play ball with your nephews, you’re going to miss a week of work.

  • Take a vacation this summer. Please do not spend the entire summer chained to your desk and your phone, hating on folks who are going out and enjoying life. There’s no reason to be mad at teachers for having the summer off or your friends for conserving their days, instead of taking a five-day weekend for St. Patrick’s Day. Get out with your family, take your significant other to Cancun or go with your friends to the Essence Festival. Get out and touch Summer.

  • Fellas, stop going to the Dominican Republic without your lady. We know the deal.

  • Back to vacation for a moment; airfare is far too cheap for you to pack your family in the car and torture your kids with a drive to Disney singing Al B. Sure. All of y’all can make it down there for $300 if you plan it right.

  • Are we going to pretend we like Drake all Summer Sixteen?

  • Be real about the size of your backyard. You can’t invite 60 people to your cookout and have 12 chairs, it’s just not right. No one wants to make a Walmart run for chairs when they’re waiting for burgers to come off the grill.

  • Stay hydrated! Keep a gallon a water, six-pack of Gatorade or whatever your comeback is for the hot days and long nights.

  • Wedding season is upon us and many of us have procrastinated long enough in mailing in our RSVP, but there’s a subset of rules that go along with attending weddings:

    • Pay attention to the invitation, the color scheme for the wedding party is right there. You should not show up looking like the sixth bridesmaid, you were barely invited.

    • Don't take someone you're not ready to marry to a wedding

    • Don't take someone in anticipation of seeing your ex.

    • If it's an open bar (rare because your cousins are cheap) go easy, there’s nothing worse than being the sloppy drunk at the wedding, too much space for embarrassment.

    • Do not spend the next month talking to him about the wedding; it is not going to make him settle down with you.

    • Stop trying to catch the bouquet; nobody is marrying your trifling self!

    • Fellas stop hitting on everything with estrogen at the wedding; the bride's auntie is off limits!

    • And please keep your comments to yourself for the day, stop hating because your girl beat you to the alter or your boy borrowed $20 from you to get that lap dance from his future wife.

  • Mojitos for the summer. Something light and fun. Dark liquor does something to us when it’s hot outside and in the age of #BlackLivesMatter, we have to maintain our heads much better and learn how to solve conflicts and nigga moments without violence. Say it with me, Dark Liquor = GoFundMe.

  • Those of you vacationing where the water is so blue, no more than seven photos on Social Media. I just told you niggas are fired up on Hennessey and hate!

  • Are still wearing the entire Linen hookups? We haven’t given that back to “Unc” yet?

  • Fellas, get your sock game in order. You can get some really fly pairs at Saks or head over to Burlington Coat Factory if that’s your lane. But, there’s no reason for you to slide up in the spot with white ribbed crew socks.

  • I know quite a few of you have spent the last few months going hard to get “Summertime fine”, but keep in mind, many of you have teenagers and it’s not a good look for you to tag your kids in pictures of you in bikinis and revealing outfits. I doubt your son wants to fight every day because his friends are getting nice to your photos.

  • There are too many free events going on for folks to be snuggled up in the house running the light bill up. Just Google the closest “big city” to you and watch your calendar fill up.

  • But, please stay in your financial lane this summer! Just because the breeze is minimal doesn’t mean that your electric and other bills don’t have to be paid this month. You don’t have to dance on every set; it is okay to sit a weekend or three out to preserve the funds, because like Stu, your rent is due!

  • If he hasn’t called you in the three days since you’ve met, on to the next one. If she texted you before you left the party where you met, change your number tomorrow!

  • Read a book, or three, go to a lecture or museum, do something to expose yourself beyond your norm.

  • Have fun at least twice this summer. I mean real fun. So much fun that your old ass can’t get off the couch for a day or two. Go to an amusement or water park, play kickball, do something that reminds you of when life was simple.

  • Finally, we only have a 90-day block to enjoy each summer, spend it loving yourself, others and life. It’s my hope we get through this summer safely, without hearing your cousins’ complaints and rants about nothing. Let’s collect new experiences and make memories for the next few months, not piss everyone off by sharing Dr. Umar videos.

 

 

 

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