Failed Memory

I found a place that I had searched forever to find. I didn’t know I was looking for it until I arrived there, but it was a place of peace, a place of joy, a place that provided me the space to heal and forgive myself. In that same place, I found you. It was like you arrived there with the same intentions. I wasn’t looking for you, I was actually trying to find myself and, on that journey, I found you. 

You were perfectly designed for me; you taught me to love, to forgive and allowed me the room to make mistakes and learn from them. You set an expectation for me to be better than I’ve ever been and I worked towards that and more. You saved my life, so I gave it to you, hoping you would handle it with care and love.

In loving you, I forgot to love myself. I allowed you to take advantage of my insecurities and call it love. I shrunk myself into this notion of who I had to be for you to love me. I forgot that place I worked so hard to find, forgot the lessons learned along the way.

I forgot who I was.

I remember you.

I remember us.

I remember this.

The arguing and masks we wore in photographs, smiles we wore in public, pain we hid in private and the lies we told in bed. Our truth was exposed in memory; we allowed the dust of our former lives to settle in a familiar place. That space between you and I, far removed from “Hey You” texts and flowers for no reason. That space is now filled with the silence of time wasted. I think I read that somewhere, next to words that used to mean something and time lost in a love that emptied itself long ago.

There was a hope, a dream, of a future that forgot the me I used to be. But that hope died on a mountain of broken promises and I’m left to piece myself together. Again. Once again, I’ve got to find that place where I can mend this broken heart and prepare myself for love again. I refuse to give up because I found someone like you, or those before you, because I continue to find myself and I am worthy of the love I desire.